On fall trees, parenting a newly permitted teenager, and learning to understand each other a little better.
“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” - Anaïs Nin
I feel like we're at PEAK Fall vibes right now. Do you think?? Because WOW!
I was being driven to school by my newly permitted 16-year-old this morning (yes, I'm sitting in the passenger seat trying to remain super chill while my child drives an actual car 😳) and I was just blown away by the trees!!
The COLORS! The LIGHT! The abundance of beauty everywhere I look! Some trees are blazing red, others golden yellow, and some are still hanging onto their green like they're not quite ready to let go of summer. And the light coming through the leaves... boy oh boy! ◡̈ Thanks, Trees!
And somewhere between admiring the trees and trying NOT to offer too much unsolicited driving advice, I started thinking about how wonderfully unique everything is.
No two trees seem to be doing fall quite the same way. No two leaves are the same under their chlorophyll outfit. Which got me thinking about us. Because apparently I can't just look at a tree without turning it into a philosophical exploration. ⍨
We're all walking around in our own little worlds, aren't we? Our own histories, experiences, families, heartbreaks, joys, fears, and ideas about how things work. All of it shapes how we see the world.
And here's the crazy thing: we can be standing next to each other, looking at exactly the same thing, and see something completely different!
Have you ever shared something with a friend or partner, thinking you've explained yourself perfectly, only to discover that what they heard was something entirely different? Or walked away from a conversation thinking, WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?!
I forget this ALL the time.
We listen through our own filters of experience, assumptions, sensitivities, and old stories. Sometimes we're not even responding to what's happening right in front of us. We're responding to what we THINK is happening.
And I can get so attached to my own version of things that I assume it's THE version. Surely the other person sees what I see? Surely they understand why I feel this way? And when they don't... well, how can they possibly think that?!
Ahhh, assumptions. Those sneaky little devils!
What if their world makes perfect sense from where they're standing?
Now, I don't mean we have to agree with everyone or pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows when it isn't. I'm 100% still learning and practicing this!!! And I'm definitely still working on not abandoning my own perspective when someone sees things differently.
But it's become important to me to remember that every person I encounter is carrying around an entire universe of experiences I may know very little about.
Even the people I think I know inside and out. Maybe... especially those people.
Learning to listen instead of preparing our defense
For me, reflective listening has really, really helped.
I've been reading Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, which introduced me to something called Imago dialogue. Have you heard of it?
The basic idea is to slow down and really try to understand what someone is saying before jumping in with our own explanation, defense, or solution. You know, that thing we all do when we're busy preparing our response instead of actually listening. 🙋♂️
Here are the simplified basics, in case you want to try them with a willing buddy. (I'm open to trying this out with you, too! Just email me and maybe we can get a mini-session on the schedule.)
Imago Dialogue: Three Simple Steps
SET UP: Agree on a time to talk, look into each other's eyes, and take three deep breaths together.
1. MIRROR
Repeat back what you heard, in your own words.
“So what I'm hearing you say is...”
Then check if you got it right. Ask, “Is there more?”
2. VALIDATE
Try to understand how their perspective makes sense from where they're standing.
“I can see how, given what happened, you might feel that way...”
You don't have to agree with everything. You're simply acknowledging that their feelings make sense from their point of view.
3. EMPATHIZE
See if you can imagine what they might be feeling.
“That sounds really frustrating.” Or, “I imagine that must have hurt.”
You're trying to connect with their experience, not fix it or explain it away.
And that's it! Well, that's the simplified version, anyway.
When this practice works well, I think it can be such a gift to both people. Imagine being in a conversation where you don't have to fight so hard to be understood. Where someone is genuinely curious about your experience, even when they see things differently.
And imagine offering that same gift to someone else!
We don't have to disappear into someone else's reality (ahem, Lance... pay attention) to make room for it. We can have our own feelings, boundaries, and opinions AND be curious about theirs.
I'm very much a beginner at this. But in a world with so much opposition, division, separation, and fighting, maybe it's one of the ways we take care of each other.
Not by always agreeing or getting everything right (good luck with that one!), but by being willing to listen a little longer and stay curious when our first instinct is to close the door.
Someone else's perspective might even open a window in our own world. We might learn something. Soften a little. Discover that the story we were telling ourselves wasn't the whole story.
Imagine that!
So, as we move through this crazy beautiful season, perhaps we can take a cue from the leaves. There's no one right way to be in the world. Our differences aren't always problems to solve. Sometimes they're what make the whole thing so interesting.
Now, go look at a tree. They're showing off out there. 🍁
And maybe the next time someone sees things differently from you, take a breath and get curious. You never know what you might discover.
Of course, I reserve the right to occasionally forget ALL of this and get a little worked up about something. I'm human, after all. And apparently being human is my ongoing research project. 😉
With lots of love,
Lance ❤️
Village Builder and Healer type guy ◡̈
Village Wellness is a holistic acupuncture and integrative medicine center in Berwyn, Pennsylvania, serving the Main Line and greater Philadelphia community. Alongside acupuncture and bodywork, we create spaces for learning, reflection, connection, and exploring what it means to live well.